Trapped in a Well
by Unlucky-angel13
Summary: Death note characters are trapped in a well randomness ensues. Warning Near and Misa bashing and death. Team fic with goddess of the moonlit sky. We do not own death note. Please Read and Review!
1. Chapter 1

Light and Near are both stuck in a well that has had oil or something flamable poured into it.  
Near: "Finally we're almost out!" POW

Light: "GET BACK IN THE FIREY WATER!!"

Near: "But it's hot!"

Light: "I don't care! If someone is going to live it's going to be me! I've got a date with Takada at 8:00 and a mandatory appearance at the apartment so Misa has no clue what I'm doing with Mikami behind her and Takada's backs."

Near: "Light you really are a manwhore."

Light: "You say something shrimp?"

Near: "Um...You're acting weirdly and holding a knife. Is this the point where I should be running away?"

Light: "You can run but you can't hide. And you should probably start running because I'm handing this knife to Misa and well, she tends to be a bit clumsy."

Near: "Yeah...but she'll probably just stab herself-"

Misa: "I WILL NOT!...OOPS..."

Light: "Misa you idiot!"

Near: "We should try to get out of here Light-"

Light: "Near if you don't want me to rape you be a good little boy and sit-"

Near: "Float" Light: "float there with your head down your hands cupped and your mouth shut or you will NOT BE HAPPY!"

Light: tries to push Misa up the ladder Gosh Misa you're fat! Misa: Cries  
Near: "Oh yeah look who's talking Light!"

Light: "Shut up Near!"

Misa: "Yeah shut up Near!"

Near: "Misa I'm trying to defend you! You useless idiot!"

Misa: "LIGHT HE'S BEING MEAN!!"

Light: "MISA FOR ONCE I AGREE WITH NEAR!"  
Misa:(whines) "I know you're sleeping with Takada."

Light: "Yeah, so? She's not fat like you."

Misa: (gasps) "You take that back."

Light: "No, it's not like I'm lying. I'm telling the truth. You've put on a few pounds from sitting around writing names in the Death Note."

Near: "Ah ha! I knew you were Kira!"

Light: "Oh. Crap."

Mello: (dropping random stuff in the well) "Oops I just dropped Near's dice in the well...Oops I just dropped Near's dolls down the well"

Near:"ACTION FIGURES!!"

Mello: "Oops I just dropped a turtle in the well..."

Matt: (Starts helping Mello) "Oops I just dropped a box of pens in the well...Oops I just dropped a death note in the well... Hey Mello what's Near's real name?" Mello:"Nate River why?"

Light: (Writes it down quickly) "Thank you."

Near: (Floats)  
Mello:"You're welcome...what did I do?

Near:"MELLO YOU IDIOT!!"

Light:"Shut up Near...you only have a few second left so enjoy them while you can..."

Near: "What do you mean I only have a few seconds left? Are you threatening me? And get Misa off of me! She's suffocating me!"  
Light: (Shows Near what he wrote)

Near: (Reads aloud) "Nate River suffocates under a large fat woman..."

Mello & Matt: (Still throwing random stuff in the well)

Matt: (In a singsong voice): "Mello's #1! Mello's #1! Mello's #1! Mello's #1!"  
Mello:"Matt I know I'm #1 but that's getting annoying really fast...(To Light) "Is he dead yet?"  
Light: (checks) "If he didn't die from the Death Note then he's dead from Misa by now.

Misa: (Crying) "You're so mean!"

Near: (Says nothing since the Death Note has taken effect)

Light: "Yes! I'm victorious!"

L: "You wouldn't believe the trip I just took."

Light: "What the bleep?!"

Light:"L! Um..."(Looks at Near's lifeless body) it's not what it looks like!"

L: "Oh be quiet Light, you'll wake Near up. Anyways I now have proof!"

Light:Um...(Looks around nervously) "a-about what?"

L:"I've found proof that..." Pulls out a map "CANDY MOUNTIAN EXISTS!!"  
Light: Gasps "No"!

L: "Yes"

Light: "NO"

L: "I told you, Yes."

Light: "No, I mean I didn't kill Near."

L: "You're acting suspicious."  
Light: "Well how are you here? Rem killed you!"

L:"And there is a very interesting story...one I will tell you after Near wakes up from his nap..." (Starts shaking Near violently)

Misa: "I don't think he'll wake up..."

L: "Nonsence he's just a very deep sleeper"  
Misa: (Pokes Near with a stick) "Eww, he's bloated"

Light: "Well stop poking him you idiot or we'll be in even more trouble."

L: (Shrugs) "Oh well. At least I know where had a candy stash hidden."

Mello: (Shouts down to Light) "So Near's dead now right?"

Light:"Yes!"

Mello:"Hey Kira!"

Light "What?...oh crap..."

L:"Light I now know you are Kira!"

Light: (shouts to Mello and Matt) "Hey what's L's real name?"

Mello and Matt: (still throwing stuff) "How the heck should we know?!"  
Light: "Tell me!"

Misa: "I have the shinigami eyes, remember?"

Light: "Misa, you idiot! Just keep your mouth shut!"

L: "Hmm. Now I know who the second Kira is. Mello, Matt, was that my secret candy stash you just threw in there?"

Mello: (Innocently) "No."(Ha, Mello innocent)

Matt: "It wasn't your candy stash, it was Mello's chocolate stash!

Mello:"Yeah it was just Mello's-WHAT!!  
Matt: (Laughs nervously)

L: (Ish silent)

Light: "Can you get me out of here?! Misa weighs a ton!"

Mello: (Yelling) "MATT GET YOUR BUTT DOWN THERE AND GET MY CHOCOLATE!!"

Matt:"Make me!"

Mello: (grinning with malice)

Matt:"Me and my big fat mouth..."

Mello:"HEADS UP EVERYONE!" (pushes Matt down into the well)

Matt: (Lands on Light)

Light: "All right I've about had it." (Shoves Misa off of him) "Mihael Keehl, either find me a ladder or I'm going to write your name in this Death Note."

Mello: "Will you buy me some chocolate?"

Matt: (Whispers to Light) "Mello will do almost anything for chocolate..."

Light: (Whispers back) "Really now..."

L: "Light what are you plotting?"

Light:"My evil plot...I'll tell you in-"

Mello:"WILL YOU BUY ME SOME CHOCOLATE IF I GET THE LADDER OR NOT!?"

Light: "Yes already! Geez!" (Holds up twenty bucks) "Knock yourself out. But not before you get the ladder."

Mello: "YAY!!" (Runs off to find a ladder)

Mikami: (Runs up to the well then looks down inside) "KAMI!!" (Jumps down into the well)

Light:"Why are all my partners crazy lunatics!?"

L:"Takes one to know one..."

Light: "Mikami, why. did. you. jump. down. THE FREAKIN' WELL?!"

Mikami: "For you, Kami!"

Light: (Smacks himself in the face) "Geez, Misa is smarter than you."

L: "Light, I believe you are at least 87 percent homosexual..."

Light:"WTF makes you think that!?"

Mikami: (Shouts) "SURPRISE!!" (Jumps on Light's back)

Light:"... what are you doing?"

Mikami:"It's not rape if you shout surprise first."

Light: "Get off me! You weirdo! That's it, your name is going in the Death Note!"

L: "Ah ha, so you DO own a Death Note and have been using it."

Light: (Sighs) "Yes, we've established the fact that I'm Kira and that Misa is the second Kira. Mikami, get off of me!"

Mikami: "But I love you, Kami!"

Light: "Well love me some other way you freak!" (Pushes him off of him)

Mikami: (Pins Light to the wall of the well)

Matt: "Oh come on Light, Mello and I heard what you said '...So they don't know what I'm doing with Mikami behind her and Takada's backs.' This is obviously what you were talking about!"

Light: "That's not what I was hinting at! I was using him as another pawn! Trust me!"

L: "Chance that you are a homosexual? 100 percent."

Mikami: (Still holding Light against the wall and nipping on Light's neck) "That's not what you said last night when I was-"

Light:"MIKAMI I TOLD YOU NOT TO BRING UP OUR RELATIONSHIP INFRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE!"

Mikami: (Goes back to molesting Light) Mello:(Comes back with a ladder) "I FOUND ONE NOW I WANT YOU TO FIRST SEND MATT UP WITH THE MONEY AND THE CHOCO-WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU AND MIKAMI DOING!?"

Light:"MELLO I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXTRA HUNDRED DOLLARS IF YOU HELP ME WITH MIKAMI!"

Light: "And I'll add on another 200 dollars if you forget this ever happened."

Mello: "Deal." (Whispers to Matt) "Blackmail!"

Mello: (whispers to Matt) "Get your phone ready to record"

Matt: (whispers) "I'm already recording, go!"

Mello: (Climbs down into well) "So what do I need to do and then forget?"

Light:"GET HIM OFF BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!!"

Mikami: (holding on to a now shirtless Light) "Good luck with that."

Misa:"I'm not going to just stand here and watch my lover get molested by a potential rapist!" (Goes up ladder dragging Near's lifeless body with her)

L:"So if Matt isn't going to join us-"

Matt:"I don't really feel up to it right now!"

L:"Either way I think this will turn into-"

Mikami: (Still holding onto Light, tackles L and Mello) "GROUP RAPE!"

Mello: (Sees Matt filming and watching Hellboy) "MATT! GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF HELLBOY AND HELP ME!!"

Matt: "But I'm just getting to the good part!"

Mello: "I don't care! I'm about to be molested!"

Matt:"Look Mel, if you want him to leave you alone I'm sure he will you just have to say those four words..."

Mello:"You mean I love eating chocolate?"

Matt:"No, just shout-"

L:"Just shout that you're a girl and he should let you go..."

Mello:"But what if he still won't?"

Matt: (Now playing super mario) "Just shoot his sorry ass and end this..."

Mello: (Shoves at Mikami) "Rape! Rape! I need an adult!"

Mikami: (Grins) "I'm an adult."

Mello:"I NEED AN ADULT THAT ISN'T GOING TO RAPE ME!"

Mikami:"SURPRISE! Now it's not considered rape..."

Mello: (Pulls gun out of pants) "One more step and I shoot you in the chest!"

Mikami:"Oh come on you think one shot to the chest will kill me?"

Mello: (Moves gun barrel to between Mikami's legs) "Will this?"

Mikami: "Meep!"

Mello: (Smirks) "All I have to do is squeeze and you're going to be one appendage short."

Matt (Starts laughing) "Man this is getting better and better...I can't believe he just meeped..."

Mikami:"Me-mello you don't want to do that..."

Mello:"And why is that, you tried to rape your god-"

Mikami:"IT WAS SURPRISE SEX HE DIDN'T KNOW HE WANTED!"

Mello:"Then you were going to do the same to me!"

Mikami:"I would make it worth your while..." (Starts moving towards Mello)

L:"I've had enough of this" (Kicks Mikami in between the legs)

Matt:"So much better than watching tv..."

Mello: "Thank you, L."

Mikami: (Is doubled over) "Oh...I think I'm gonna faint."

Misa: (Hits him over the head with her purse) "That's what you get for touching my Light!"

Light:"Misa didn't you leave?"

Misa:"I left to find this (Pulls a frozen chicken out of her purse)..."I mean this" (Pulls a gun out of her purse) "I would never abandon my Light!"(Attempts to hug Light)

Light: (Holding her away from him) "L I think you're right about the homosexual thing so could some one please-"

Mello:"Give me another fifty and I'll do it..."

Light: (Gives Mello all the money he's been promised and another fifty) "Get rid of her!"

Mello: (Shoots Misa) "Now I'm off to buy some chocolate and other stuff so if you need me...well please don't need me..."

Mikami: (doubled over both in pain and in shock at his master's blunt refusal of him) "But.. but Kami! I thought you loved me!"

Light: (Scoffs) "Please, the only thing I love is power. "

Matt: (Under his breath) "And men."

Light:"...and men but not you Mikami. I like men more like..." (Looks at Mello and walks over to him) "You know Mello-"

Mello:"Try it and die Light!"

Light:"I was just saying I could use someone like you to help me..."

Mello:"With what exactly?"

Light: (winks) "To scratch an itch."

Mello: "That's it." (Shoots him in the knee cap)

Light: "Ok, yes I did deserve that one..."

Mello:"Damn right you did." (Turns his back on Light)

Light:(Falls bringing Mello with him) "Oops..."

Mello:"GRABBING IN PLACES! GRABING IN PLACES!"

Matt:"HAND CHECK!" (Everyone still living except Mello hold their hands up) "Mello are you ok?"

Mello:"Just tell Light to stop poking me!"

Light: (whispers) "Mello my hands are still in the air..."

Mello: "Oh sick, oh sick, I'm going to vomit!"

Light: (Grins lecherously while bleeding profusely from his bullet wound)

Mikami: (Pulls out Death Note) "If I cannot have you, Kami, then I will kill you and take myself with you!"

Matt: (Rolls eyes) "So over dramatic. GAY. "

L:"Give me that!" (Takes death note from Mikami. Smacks Mikami over the head with the death note repeatedly)

Mello: "WILL SOMEONE GET HIM OFF ME!?" (Trying to squirm out from under Light)

Light: (grin widens) "Yes, that's right Mihael, keep squirming. I'm enjoying every minute of it."

Mello: (Screams like a girl) "GET HIM OFF ME GET HIM OFF ME!"

Matt: (Is laughing hysterically)

L:"Get off of him Light."

Light:"YOU CAN HAVE HIM AFTER I'M DONE WITH HIM!"

Matt:(Still laughing) "And that will be when?"

Light: "As soon as I cover up the evidence of my desire."

Mello: "All right that's enough." (Elbows Light in his knee wound)

L:"...couldn't you have just done that earlier?"

Mello:"I had to get my arm loose."

Light:(In pain but is still mostly on Mello) "Mihael, I'm not done with you yet...let me finish and...well you'll enjoy it..."

Mello: "DIE!" (Shoots aimlessly in panic mode)

Matt: "Uh, you missed him by like ten miles."

Mello: "Shut up, I know that! I meant to do that!"

L: "Yeeeeeeah, I'm gonna call the police now and tell them I found Kira and where to find Near's body."

Light:"L don't you dare!"

L:"Oh what can you do to stop me?" (Pulls out cellphone)

Light: (Holds hands up) "Okay, okay, I'll keep my hands off of Mello" (Eyes Matt)

L: (Punches first number) "1..."

Matt: (Pulls out gun)

Light:"I also won't touch Matt, I'll avoid Mello whenever I can, and I'll accompany you on your journey to candy mountian."  
L: (Eyes brighten) "C-candy Mountain?"

Light: (Nods with a sinister smirk) "That's right. Candy Mountain."

Mello: "Don't do it, L. He's lying."

L: "Caaaaandy."

Light: "Shut up Mihael or I'll molest you again."

Matt:"L do you think he'll actually leave Mello alone, I don't think so!" (Raises gun and points it at Light)

L:"Matt put that gun down."

Light:"Yeah Matt if you shoot you might miss me..." (Holding Mello against him as a human shield)"and instead hit Mello."  
Matt: (Shoots out Light's other knee cap)

Light: "BLEEP"

Mello:"Wait a minute where did L go?"

Matt:"He ran off to find trash bags and a suitcase so he could carry all the candy from candy mountian back home."

Mello: Smacks himself in the forehead "I never thought he'd be so stupid."

Matt: "Yeah I know. Tell me about it."

Light:"I thought the best detective in the world would realize candy mountain doesn't exist..."

Matt:"You didn't mean any of that stuff you were saying earlier did you."

Light: (Glomps Mello) "NOPE!"

Mello: (Beats Light over the head with the butt of his gun) "GET. OFF. ME!"

L: (Returns with suitcases) "I'm ready to-oh my gosh what the bleep are you doing?"

Light:"Um... well I figured we might be gone for a while and I wanted to give Mello a goodbye hug..."

L:"Works for me, but now I suggest we get going."

Light:"Ok." (Whispers to Mello) "I'll be back later to finish what we started."

Mello: (Dies a little inside)

Light: (Follows L while casting a sly wink at Mello and Matt over his shoulder)

Matt: "Relax Mello he'll be gone until L finds candy mountain, which means you'll never have to see his face again."

Mello:"But didn't L say he found a map earlier..."

Matt: (Face falls) "That's right. And it was made of candy."

Mello: (Curses) "That's what I thought. Okay, let's get rid of these dead bodies and leave the country. We change our names, our identities and our gender preference."

Matt: "What was that last one?"

Mello: "Nothing."


	2. Update and Future projects

**Thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, or favorited this fic. I am currently working on a lot of different story ideas that will be posted soon, as well as a sequel to this which will be called L and Light's Crazy Trip to Candy Mountain. There will be crossovers galore and more crackyness. So keep your eyes open for that. I am also working on multiple yaoi stories such as:The Yaoi Muffin, it's prequel the Yaoi Chocolate Bar, I Blame You and the Muffin (Sequel to Yaoi Muffin), Princess L and Prince BB, L is a Pretty Princess, and my biggest project Yaoi Foursome in the Sky!(The title is still in the works, and I need reinforcements on that last one!) I will also be writing a few KH stories. One that is currently in the works still has no title but it will be interesting to say the least. Once again I thank all of you that have read this story and I hope you will read and review my others that will be out soon!**


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